2006 September 05 | Hanlon's Razor

Bush warns of “Iraqi caliphate”

By Hanlon, on September 5th, 2006 at 10:05 PM

Hey folks. Sorry about yesterday, I had a rather nasty accident and spent yesterday lying in bed. Anyway, this seems like the perfect story to make a comeback with. Bush’s latest message to scare us into voting redcoat is to convince us all that Al Qaeda wants to set up office in Iraq.

“I’m not going to allow this to happen and no future American president can allow it either,” he said.

Bush, in an unusual move, quoted extensively from bin Laden’s videotaped messages and writings, and compared him to global menaces like Russia’s Vladimir Lenin and Germany’s Adolf Hitler.

That seems to be the newest trend with the redcoats. Apparently we couldn’t be convinced enough of the threats in the Middle East, so ad-nauseum Hitler/USSR comparisons abound. Why we haven’t forced a draft or gone into a war economy remains a mystery. Of course, there’s more to this.

Now we need to do a little Bush Algebra. The man has already admitted that Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11. Now he’s claiming that Al Qaeda wants to set up a “caliphate” (basically an Islam empire, though I have my doubts that Bush has any idea what that word means) in Iraq. He’s all but saying that Al Qaeda wasn’t in Iraq before, but it is now.
I wonder if it’s possible for Bush to deny that his invasion of Iraq has bungled things up.

Now, Bush used a tape from 2002 in order to highlight the looming danger. This is a tape that was released BEFORE his famous Fahrenheit 9/11 documented claim that he “doesn’t think” about bin Laden (said because, when he said it, the Iraq War was fresh). Now, as it was from August 2002, it was also before the Iraq War itself happened.

That leaves us with the conclusion that Bush has a problem that only exists because of his own negligence in dispatching bin Laden and the main Al Qaeda operatives, and is using a tape from four years ago that he basically shrugged off, but is returning to now that it’s politically advantageous to do so.

Bin Laden is only a political tool for Bush. He doesn’t care about actually fixing the problem, rooting out al Qaeda or actually killing Osama. The tapes that come out have done nothing but help Bush. Why? Because the American people won’t open their eyes to the situation. Don’t let it happen this time.

[tags]terrorism, al qaeda, 9/11, bush, bin laden[/tags]

What REALLY happened: God explains the creation

By Hanlon, on September 5th, 2006 at 07:25 PM

Moses: How did you create the world?

God: I formed all matter with a giant explosion and then watched as the forces of gravity clumped all of these different objects together into stars, planets, that sort of thing. Then, once earth was created, I let chemicals become amino acids which became proteins. Finally those proteins became basic single-celled life, which divided and reproduced until they became larger and more complex organisms through random mutation, natural selection, environmental changes, et cetera. It was quite intricate and fascinating. I’m proud of it.

Moses: Um… what?

God: You didn’t get it?

Moses: I sort of had a hard time following it.

God: Sigh… I brought light to the darkness, brought ground to the void, and brought life to the lifeless. That better?

Moses: Much, thanks. Now, how long did that take?

God: Well, since time is relative and the universe at one point expanded at a rate faster than the speed of light, it’s pretty hard to describe it. The simple answer would be several trillion years since my big bang.

Moses: Um, what?

God: Medammit. A week. Let’s say it took a week. I knew I should have focused on the dolphins.